Funny Christmas Jokes to Get You Through Christmas Dinner
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Avoid the Christmas cracker clunkers and tell some proper Christmas funnies.
It’s Christmas Eve, it’s only a matter of time before the crackers are pulled, silly paper hats are unfolded and dreadful Christmas jokes are unveiled.
Christmas cracker jokes have a habit of being real groaners.
Recipients have more cause to worry that their sides might split from over indulgence than through excessive laughter.
If you are confronted with any of these tired and clichéd Christmas clunkers, our sympathies:
Q: How do snails keep their shells shiny?
A: They use snail varnish.
Q: Why don’t ducks tell jokes when they are flying?
A: Because they would quack up.
Q: What’s white and goes up?
A: A confused snowflake.
Q: What’s a snowman’s favourite mode of transport?
A: Riding an icicle.
Q: What’s Santa’s favourite musical?
A: There’s No Business Like Snow Business.
Naturally, the tumbleweed will well and truly be rolling around the Christmas dinner table with these awful attempts at humour. American author and journalist Max Eastman once said: “A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener’s mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn’t expect to go.”
To that end, here is a zinger of a Christmas joke to entertain your guests this festive period:
It was Christmas time and little Jonny asked his Mum for a new bike. His Mother told him he would have to write to Santa for a bike and if he was a good boy he might get one. Having just finished his school nativity play, Jonny was inspired and decided to write to baby Jesus instead of Santa.
“Dear Jesus,” he wrote, “I have been a very good boy and would like a bike for Christmas please.” Reading his letter over, Jonny wasn’t entirely satisfied so he had a second stab.
“Dear Jesus, I am a good boy most of the time and would appreciate a bike for Christmas.” However, this didn’t quite sit right either, so Jonny tried a third time.
“Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried my best and especially if you gave me a bike for Christmas.” Still this didn’t quite strike the right tone, so Jonny decided to go for a walk to think his options over.
During his walk Jonny passed a house with a statue of the Virgin Mary. The boy had an epiphany. Wrapping the statue up in his coat jacket, he ran home and shoved the statue under his bed before penning a new letter: “Dear Jesus, if you want to ever see you Mother again, you’d better bring me a new bike.”
Send us your favourite (clean) Christmas jokes to keep the ribs tickled and avoid the disappointment of the Christmas cracker failures.
Cool jokes mate.
They are really funny.
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three ho’s!